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When we say “I do,” we are often agreeing to an unspoken set of terms. According to Clifford Sager’s work on marriage contracts and couple therapy, every partner enters a marriage with their own unique purposes, goals, and expectations. To help couples understand the hidden dynamics of their relationships, Sager developed a “Reminders List”; that breaks down marital expectations into three categories driving your marriage:
1. Your Expectations of Marriage. The first category focuses on what we expect the institution of marriage to provide. Common expectations include:
- Finding a loyal mate to provide constant support against the world.
- Using marriage as insurance against loneliness or a “home-refuge”
- Creating a new family or forming a respected social and economic unit.
2. Your Physical and Emotional Needs. The second category delves into needs that arise from within, which are often beyond our immediate individual awareness. These internal drives dictate how we conduct ourselves with our partner and are common sources of relational trouble. Key areas to examine include:
- Independence vs. Closeness: How much space do you need, and how much intimacy do you crave?
- Power and Control: Who submits, who dominates, and is there an equal give-and-take of leadership?
- Deep Fears: How do childhood fears of abandonment or loneliness drive your need to
control your spouse?
3. “Interactional and Surface” Problems. Couples often fight over everyday battlegrounds like communication, family and child-rearing, money, friends and sex. However, Sager notes that these outward causes of marital trouble are usually just symptoms of a deeper problem rooted in your expectations or your emotional needs.
The Takeaway: Sit Down and Talk about It. Ultimately, Sager's list is a tool for deep reflection. Stop letting hidden expectations cause resentment. He suggests a simple, powerful exercise: look at these three areas.
By clearly talking it out – what you want from your partner in these specific areas—and explicitly expressing what you are willing to give in exchange—you can bring the hidden terms of your relationship to light. Consciously, take your marriage not as a contract but as a covenant love expression before God.
Rey Tonsay
My PhD in Clinical Christian Counseling Journey
